Okay, so this is my first blog post, I just really don't know where to start my mind is everywhere tonight. I am in my first year university, and i am not doing as well as i thought i would be. I just have a bad habit of putting my work off and saying it will be okay, ill get it done. I am not sure if i can really handle it you know? It is something i love doing but i am just so SCARED of failing, i have always been scared of failing and feeling stupid. I have never been the smartest person. SO when i FAIL, i feel like i am worthless, not good enough to succeed.... I know its not true but that is how i feel.
Now to the other part of my confusion! Guys. That is one word that brings so much agony into my life, and confusion. I have always been a person who needs someone to feel complete. I hate being alone. I have had a history of always picking really bad guys, guys who do drugs, abuse me emotionally, just want sex. WHY do i always go for them? My most recent ex, is possibly moving to Alberta to live with his sister. It bothers me, i don't know or see why it should. After all i am the one who broke up with him. He wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, He had major anger issues.. Watching my favorite TV show today, "One Tree Hill" There was so much drama between relationships. It made me start thinking about my life. And how i have screwed up a lot in relationships before. I am trying so hard not to worry about guys. But when all of my friends, have someone and are starting to move on with their lives and even some of them are thinking of GETTING ENGAGED FOR PEET SAKES! and then there is me. I don't have anyone right now. I just wanna be happy.
Being happy, is something that is hard for me, like yeah, i can put on a smile, and laugh, and seem happy, but that is just at the top of the core, but way deep deep down, i am not truly happy. I always put on a facade, To try and make myself seem like i truly am, This month has been truly hard... for me... My grandma just died on thursday... and while i was coming home, my "bus" i was supposed to get on was too full so i got stuck in Edmonton.
I miss my brother, i wish my brother was here for me, like he used to be, i wish i had contact with him like i used to, like my older sister has contact with him but i don't! LIKE WTH they have never been very close it was always me and him. But then again, My older sister didn't do anything to his gf who just so happened to be my best friend once upon a time. Right now is the time in my life i wish i had my brother. who i could just walk up to or to call and just talk to him about what is really bothering me in my life, like i used to be able to. I miss that so much. So that is why i am just writing in this blog to organize my thoughts, and just to get it off my chest. If no one reads it i am okay with it because most of all i am just complaining about my life anyway. But if they do sweet deal!
If you look in my room you look around and see, lots of clothes, i have a bb, tv, xbox, ipod, laptop, car, I have everything that i can ever imagine having, you may say "Oh your sooo lucky to have all this stuff! You must be so happy to have it" Well to tell you the truth! It is just stuff to try to fill the gaps in my life where I am not happy i try to fill it with other stuff. Which only lasts so long.. then i need to go and buy more. What a waste of money.
I am trying so hard to live in gods steps, and live the way he wants me to! But it is so hard, some days i just wish i could jump in my car and just drive not knowing where i am going and just drive, crank the music up and just cry, let everything out!! Not tell anyone where i am going either. Just let them know i am okay.
My life hasn't been the easiest, there are people who have better lives then me, but then there are people who have it worse off then me. SO i really shouldn't be complaining on this blog, but it is just to help me think and to get my feelings out because i know holding them in isn't a good thing.
It feels everything is PILING UP! THAT I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE SO MUCH TO IN THE NEXT MONTH I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT!! I just wanna go to some place where i don't have to worry about anything.!
But i think this is enough complaining for now... >< I am going to go for a bath and maybe relax, maybe cry a little feel a bit better. So bye for now... Hopefully my next blog wont be so depressing.. :P
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