Well, my grandma is finally laid down to rest peacefully... Yesterday was the funeral. It wasn't as hard as i was thinking. It was a funeral so of course it was hard, I ended up going up and talking infront of a BUNCH of ppl i didn't know. But it was worth it im sure my gramma is sitting up there in heaven looking down smiling at me when i was doing it! :p. My nieces did very great at the funeral for being 4 & 6. Then after the funeral it was just a bunch of family time. Me and my dad finally left around 6:45 or so. For a 4 hour drive home. We hit a huge storm and like there was Zero Visability we couldn't even see the yellow line! I had to help my dad see the edge of the road... Thank you god for keeping us safe.
Today later today i am going to have a few friends over which will be so fun!! Then tomorrow me and my friend are going to go to PA for some shopping which is always exciting :)
Well Britt Out for now, gonna go rock out to some newsboys and chill :)
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Getting Better :)
I woke up this morning looking grumpy haha, but everyone is in a good mood today! My parents went out for a bit to do some shopping which is good for them! I got my last exam done yesterday now just to finish the scholarship thing.. I might get my phone back today! Which is totally exciting. And to top it off!! I HAVE MY CAR BACK! I can finally drive it out of town. Right now at this moment life is great! I just really wanna go to melfort and get my phone back ha. Tomorrow is my grandmas funeral tho. Its gonna be hard but i have great friends who care about me and will be there for me in my time of sadness. :)
Well, its time to go look at buying my books for next term.. EEK!
Well, its time to go look at buying my books for next term.. EEK!
Monday, 19 December 2011
This Day? Can't get any worse...
I woke up this morning, well actually afternoon, since i just woke up half hour ago, at 1 pm which it is now 1:24, thinking it was gonna be an alright day, that i was gonna chill and not be stressed until my exam at 4:30, once that is done, there are no more exams tilll next term. But then, all my emotions just exploded. And i lost it in front of my parents which i don't like doing because i doon't like them knowing how i feel. I started screaming at them in frustration to myself, which i didn't mean to offend them, then my mom just started saying stuff that bothered me and out of frustration i raised my voice towards her, and i just was so frustrated with myself,feeling like i can't handle all of this stress that comes with university. Also my dad hit a low blow on me. When i said this was stressful, he said to me "Well then you might as well just drop out cuz this is what university is all about! Then if you drop out you will be working at robins for the rest of your life like ur friends." That just frustrated me more because i KNOW i can do this i just don't feel like it right now! I know they just want whats best for their daughter and don't wanna see her fail, cuz they know what that will do to me. It is just when a fight starts over me or something i said it makes me mad! My mom always gets mad easily or hurt easily cuz of her illness. She ended up saying after i screamed at her in frustration " I am out of here," then looked at me and said really meanly " YOU MIGHT AS WELL STICK WITH DAD YOU GUYS ARE A TEAM ANYWAY!" Then that just frustrated my dad. Like ugh.... really. My dad even told her she should just leave, take her bird,attitude and leave. They have been separated many times since i was born. I am always scared of it happening.
I finally have been feeling our family is coming back together. Doing stuff as a family, and getting excited for Christmas,but then this happened at it just ruined that picture for me. Cuz now the rest of the day is ruined because my dad is gonna be in a horrible mood and won't talk to my mom for the rest of the day, and my mom is probably in her room crying right now. ! UGH! I don't know what to do.
This is the type of stuff i wish my brother was here for. If he was here he woulda jumped in between and calmed the whole situation down. Well at least i like to think so anyway.
I just want this next week and a half to go by, just to be done with this month, it has been a horrible month!!! Except for going to Calgary and seeing a close close friend whom i had so much fun with. But somehow family drama always seems to follow me anywhere i go.
I love my family i really do, but this stuff just bothers me. I hope someday i will have something awesome to write about in a blog instead of it being all depressing like the last 2 i have written... <3
" SO take me as you find me all my fears and failures, fill my life again! I give my life to follow,everything i believe in now i surrender! Savior he can move the mountains, my GOD is MIGHTY TO SAVE HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE! FOREVER AUTHOR OF SALVATION HE ROSE AND CONQUERED THE GRAVE!!"
I finally have been feeling our family is coming back together. Doing stuff as a family, and getting excited for Christmas,but then this happened at it just ruined that picture for me. Cuz now the rest of the day is ruined because my dad is gonna be in a horrible mood and won't talk to my mom for the rest of the day, and my mom is probably in her room crying right now. ! UGH! I don't know what to do.
This is the type of stuff i wish my brother was here for. If he was here he woulda jumped in between and calmed the whole situation down. Well at least i like to think so anyway.
I just want this next week and a half to go by, just to be done with this month, it has been a horrible month!!! Except for going to Calgary and seeing a close close friend whom i had so much fun with. But somehow family drama always seems to follow me anywhere i go.
I love my family i really do, but this stuff just bothers me. I hope someday i will have something awesome to write about in a blog instead of it being all depressing like the last 2 i have written... <3
" SO take me as you find me all my fears and failures, fill my life again! I give my life to follow,everything i believe in now i surrender! Savior he can move the mountains, my GOD is MIGHTY TO SAVE HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE! FOREVER AUTHOR OF SALVATION HE ROSE AND CONQUERED THE GRAVE!!"
Sunday, 18 December 2011
Will Life Get Better? I hope so.
Okay, so this is my first blog post, I just really don't know where to start my mind is everywhere tonight. I am in my first year university, and i am not doing as well as i thought i would be. I just have a bad habit of putting my work off and saying it will be okay, ill get it done. I am not sure if i can really handle it you know? It is something i love doing but i am just so SCARED of failing, i have always been scared of failing and feeling stupid. I have never been the smartest person. SO when i FAIL, i feel like i am worthless, not good enough to succeed.... I know its not true but that is how i feel.
Now to the other part of my confusion! Guys. That is one word that brings so much agony into my life, and confusion. I have always been a person who needs someone to feel complete. I hate being alone. I have had a history of always picking really bad guys, guys who do drugs, abuse me emotionally, just want sex. WHY do i always go for them? My most recent ex, is possibly moving to Alberta to live with his sister. It bothers me, i don't know or see why it should. After all i am the one who broke up with him. He wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, He had major anger issues.. Watching my favorite TV show today, "One Tree Hill" There was so much drama between relationships. It made me start thinking about my life. And how i have screwed up a lot in relationships before. I am trying so hard not to worry about guys. But when all of my friends, have someone and are starting to move on with their lives and even some of them are thinking of GETTING ENGAGED FOR PEET SAKES! and then there is me. I don't have anyone right now. I just wanna be happy.
Being happy, is something that is hard for me, like yeah, i can put on a smile, and laugh, and seem happy, but that is just at the top of the core, but way deep deep down, i am not truly happy. I always put on a facade, To try and make myself seem like i truly am, This month has been truly hard... for me... My grandma just died on thursday... and while i was coming home, my "bus" i was supposed to get on was too full so i got stuck in Edmonton.
I miss my brother, i wish my brother was here for me, like he used to be, i wish i had contact with him like i used to, like my older sister has contact with him but i don't! LIKE WTH they have never been very close it was always me and him. But then again, My older sister didn't do anything to his gf who just so happened to be my best friend once upon a time. Right now is the time in my life i wish i had my brother. who i could just walk up to or to call and just talk to him about what is really bothering me in my life, like i used to be able to. I miss that so much. So that is why i am just writing in this blog to organize my thoughts, and just to get it off my chest. If no one reads it i am okay with it because most of all i am just complaining about my life anyway. But if they do sweet deal!
If you look in my room you look around and see, lots of clothes, i have a bb, tv, xbox, ipod, laptop, car, I have everything that i can ever imagine having, you may say "Oh your sooo lucky to have all this stuff! You must be so happy to have it" Well to tell you the truth! It is just stuff to try to fill the gaps in my life where I am not happy i try to fill it with other stuff. Which only lasts so long.. then i need to go and buy more. What a waste of money.
I am trying so hard to live in gods steps, and live the way he wants me to! But it is so hard, some days i just wish i could jump in my car and just drive not knowing where i am going and just drive, crank the music up and just cry, let everything out!! Not tell anyone where i am going either. Just let them know i am okay.
My life hasn't been the easiest, there are people who have better lives then me, but then there are people who have it worse off then me. SO i really shouldn't be complaining on this blog, but it is just to help me think and to get my feelings out because i know holding them in isn't a good thing.
It feels everything is PILING UP! THAT I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE SO MUCH TO IN THE NEXT MONTH I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT!! I just wanna go to some place where i don't have to worry about anything.!
But i think this is enough complaining for now... >< I am going to go for a bath and maybe relax, maybe cry a little feel a bit better. So bye for now... Hopefully my next blog wont be so depressing.. :P
Now to the other part of my confusion! Guys. That is one word that brings so much agony into my life, and confusion. I have always been a person who needs someone to feel complete. I hate being alone. I have had a history of always picking really bad guys, guys who do drugs, abuse me emotionally, just want sex. WHY do i always go for them? My most recent ex, is possibly moving to Alberta to live with his sister. It bothers me, i don't know or see why it should. After all i am the one who broke up with him. He wasn't the best boyfriend in the world, He had major anger issues.. Watching my favorite TV show today, "One Tree Hill" There was so much drama between relationships. It made me start thinking about my life. And how i have screwed up a lot in relationships before. I am trying so hard not to worry about guys. But when all of my friends, have someone and are starting to move on with their lives and even some of them are thinking of GETTING ENGAGED FOR PEET SAKES! and then there is me. I don't have anyone right now. I just wanna be happy.
Being happy, is something that is hard for me, like yeah, i can put on a smile, and laugh, and seem happy, but that is just at the top of the core, but way deep deep down, i am not truly happy. I always put on a facade, To try and make myself seem like i truly am, This month has been truly hard... for me... My grandma just died on thursday... and while i was coming home, my "bus" i was supposed to get on was too full so i got stuck in Edmonton.
I miss my brother, i wish my brother was here for me, like he used to be, i wish i had contact with him like i used to, like my older sister has contact with him but i don't! LIKE WTH they have never been very close it was always me and him. But then again, My older sister didn't do anything to his gf who just so happened to be my best friend once upon a time. Right now is the time in my life i wish i had my brother. who i could just walk up to or to call and just talk to him about what is really bothering me in my life, like i used to be able to. I miss that so much. So that is why i am just writing in this blog to organize my thoughts, and just to get it off my chest. If no one reads it i am okay with it because most of all i am just complaining about my life anyway. But if they do sweet deal!
If you look in my room you look around and see, lots of clothes, i have a bb, tv, xbox, ipod, laptop, car, I have everything that i can ever imagine having, you may say "Oh your sooo lucky to have all this stuff! You must be so happy to have it" Well to tell you the truth! It is just stuff to try to fill the gaps in my life where I am not happy i try to fill it with other stuff. Which only lasts so long.. then i need to go and buy more. What a waste of money.
I am trying so hard to live in gods steps, and live the way he wants me to! But it is so hard, some days i just wish i could jump in my car and just drive not knowing where i am going and just drive, crank the music up and just cry, let everything out!! Not tell anyone where i am going either. Just let them know i am okay.
My life hasn't been the easiest, there are people who have better lives then me, but then there are people who have it worse off then me. SO i really shouldn't be complaining on this blog, but it is just to help me think and to get my feelings out because i know holding them in isn't a good thing.
It feels everything is PILING UP! THAT I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE! I HAVE SO MUCH TO IN THE NEXT MONTH I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE IT!! I just wanna go to some place where i don't have to worry about anything.!
But i think this is enough complaining for now... >< I am going to go for a bath and maybe relax, maybe cry a little feel a bit better. So bye for now... Hopefully my next blog wont be so depressing.. :P
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